Looking Back

Hello, 

When I was on 8th grade. I thought I was the shit. I was someone. If you think I have a big attitude and persona now - you should've seen me then.

Before 8th grade I had always been the popular kid in class. I have never been bullied, I have had tons of friends and I have always been tliked.

In elementary school till 6th grade I hang out with the coolest kids in class. I had this reputation of being loud, straightforward and fun. I tried so hard to fit in with my jeans and hair. I thought I was so cool.

I still remember the first day of secondary school. We were at my school's yard and while trying to be all cool, I was terrified within. I had rebellious big sister (with a reputation of being some sort of a badass). There were plenty of new faces in my class and Johanna was one of them. And god dammit it was annoying that she was so bubbly and lively - that was my thing.

I didn't quite fit in. I was too sheltered and naive to hang out with the "bad kids". The ones who snack out for a cig and had shirts that showed their bellybuttons. I definitely wasn't part of Johanna's lame crew and my old friends seemed so boring. I hang out with the pretty girls. I was never as pretty as them, not as skinny or had as much money to wear the right clothes, but I got to hang out with them because I had an attitude and I was bubbly. We sat where we wanted, talked smack and gossiped but also had fun and did girly stuff. We had our first drinks together, smoked our own cigs and hang out in town. Later on I have been thinking that they too, just wanted to fit in.

Looking back

I remember getting that phone call like it was yesterday. My friends were in town without me. Images and feelings that I felt that day: betrayal, shame, sadness... My friends had lied to me because "sometimes we want to hang out just the four of us. Without you". And this had happened before as well. I shook and cried and was very dramatic. How could they do this? But I'm cool. I'm awesome and amazing. The bad news kept coming as the boy who I had loved, loved another. Ugly sad broken me, no friends and parents getting a divorce - what's ya going to do. My friends said that just take it or leave it, but this is how it is. 

Audio tape in my head takes me back to the school lobby. Food tray in my hand. Betrayal that cut deep, what to do? Took my tray and sat with Johanna and her friends. And my life pretty much got 100% better.

Why this story? 

Well I'm turning 28 on Sunday and I have been thinking about my life a lot. I've been really ill and spending my sickleave here at my mums. Today I walked passed my old school and saw teens chilling and hanging out by the shop next to the school. Awful eyebrows, loud as can be, low cut jeans and bare stomachs. I smiled.


I passed them with my bright pink hair, green sunnies and badass attitude (that has not changed). I just wanted to tell them that they are beautiful and find your way.

It's okay to be who you are. You DON'T have to fit in. Be different, be brave. If I had a chance to speak to Jenni in Secondary school.. I would have so much to say. That Jenni you are wonderful. You are going to see amazing things and you are going to travel as you always wanted. Don't stop dancing, don't get sad but get over it. Get over yourself and your drama. Go and visit your grandma, try to focus on math and be brave. All will sort out.

As I was walking home from the shop I was thinking my life back. That I have had a great ride so far, pretty good life. And most of my close friends I didn't meet until my 20's. Actually, only few close friends remain from that time period. I met the people that matter later on, much later.

Many things have changed since I was a teen. We had MSN: Messenger. (That was kind of a big deal). We didn't have social media and wikipedia did not do my homework. I didn't have any gay friends. I was trying to think did we "homo this and that" when I was in school. Because today as I was listening the youth the most common insult was "you fucking homo". I think we used  insults like whore / fat / chubs / nerd / braces. But I love seeing gay teens! Since I have grown up, four of my childhood friends have come out as gay. I have wondered how it was for them to grow up? Did they grow up hiding their true self? There was no such thins as "gay teens" when I was 14. I love that diversity is taking Finland over by storm. Gay youth is a thing now and it's wonderful - you are wonderful!

10 years from now, I'll be 38. My brother is 33, my mum 68, my dad 70, Liisa closer to 43, Marko and Jouko over 50. Oh my. TIME. Time is so precious. I wonder what I'll be like in 2025. Who is Jenni 38 years old? Am I still here? Who is not?

I have been taking screencaps lately. Photos saved to my head. My mum taking a nap after work, my niece Milla walking around the room, Aatu resting under my arm. I have been looking at my friends from new ankle who they are now and trying to think what they look like in 10 years. Johanna2 is having a son soon, my tiny weenie little friend, whose been like my little sister for 10 years now. Oh my.

Anyway. Sorry for the sappy post. I guess I kind of realized that, we have a beginning and an end. We have time here and then we don't. But, Happy Birthday Jenni 28. You made it this far. Now let's make some good memories happen before you grow too old!



Jenni